A Look Inside Myself

Living with my parents is sometimes more of a stress-inducer than a stress reliever. Its not their fault. Its because I'm stubborn, anal, and don't like being told what to do or how to do it, while my mom is a control freak who believes she always knows best. See how we might clash? Other people probably look at us and think my mom is the sweetest woman alive and I'm an ungrateful brat, which is probably partially true, too.

What's funny is I'll probably have a daughter of my own having these same thoughts 20some years from now.

I don't like myself these days. I've always liked myself best when I was with Hug. Clearly. Why else would I marry him? Well...I could name a few other reasons... No, seriously. Being at home brings back memories from high school and college. I hated high school and college. I shouldn't have. I had great friends, got decent grades, had (and still have) a very loving and supporting family, a great job, and I had a lot of fun. But I hated myself. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Because of that, I destroyed chances of having good relationships with decent people, and accepted "relationships" with various levels of scumbags.

I was absolutely at rock bottom when I met Hug. And if I wasn't, I hit it shortly after we met, but before we started officially dating. He was so stable, supporting, loving, understanding, and safe. I needed him, and I still do. I feel good when I'm with him. I feel good about myself when I'm with him. If I were 300lbs, I bet I could still be happy as long as Hug loved me. mmm...maybe not, but you get my drift.

I'm so freaking excited for Hug to come home. I'm actually counting down, despite the fact that I'm extremely against countdowns, especially when they have anything to do with the Army, and that scares the HELL out of me. My general rule is that whenever I plan for something, the opposite happens. I really think that if I sit and picture the worst, it can't happen, because I prepared for it. So it stands to reason that goods things I plan for won't happen either.

So I'm stuck. I'm so distracted and lost in my thoughts about everything we're going to do when Hug gets home, but I'm scared of making plans, so I don't know what to think about, and I'M GOING CRAZY! These next couple months cannot go by fast enough for me.