Sissy Ben had the scare of her life yesterday. I was drinking and didn't have my phone with me. Although it was just a scare, and I did talk to her last night when I got back to my phone, when I hung up with her, I couldn't help but think how useless I would have been if it was not just a scare. I would have wanted to go to the airport immediately and insist on being on the first flight out, but I wouldn't be able to, because I let a bunch of 22 year olds convince me to play drinking games. Ugh.
It never really occurred to me that "false" notifications happen. I've heard of scams happening, and you can imagine what my opinion is about that, but the Army messing up something so important??? Okay, not so far-fetched, but just something I never thought about. I tear up at the thought now. When I think about it, I can feel the heart-wrenching fear and pain SisB must have felt. Then the relief of knowing its not for you followed by the pain of understanding its for someone else and the guilt from the feeling of relief.
Thinking about it makes me want to scream and cry and curl up in fetal position in a dark closet.
22 April 2009
"Let's Get Together"
Its much harder to get together with friends once you all have jobs, relationships, and live in different cities. Maybe I should say freaking impossible. It is impossible to sync the schedules of five or six 25 year olds living 2-3 hours away from each other. Shocker.
I'm disappointed and a little hurt that we only managed to get together three times in the year I've been home, but that's okay. Its probably for the best. Last time we got together, I was in a weird mood and everyone knew it. Probably because everyone was drinking and reminiscing and having a great time.
Except me. My past mistakes are too close for comfort here.
I'm awful at letting things go. Silly worthless memories creep up on me, normally late at night when I'm trying to sleep, or sometimes when I'm in my car driving to work in the morning - I don't know why then.
Being out of state for the last four years has helped me suppress a lot of memories of my stupid actions as a teen, but being back at home makes them pop up randomly and frequently. Before I met up with my friends these last two times, I spent a good portion of the day re-living college in my head. Then, when I met up with them, we all sat around and talked about college and high school and laughed and laughed, and its great. Until they started bringing up bad nights, and I would get upset and distant. But its not their fault, because they don't know they were bad nights, because I was weak and stupid and never asked for help back then. And now I'm stupid for being upset with them for being so insensitive over stuff they don't even know about, and then I'm upset with myself for being upset with them...
So, its less stressful to just not get together with the friends I love. Dammit. I can't wait to get out of this place and have Hug home, so I can live only in the glorious present with him and forget about the past.
I'm disappointed and a little hurt that we only managed to get together three times in the year I've been home, but that's okay. Its probably for the best. Last time we got together, I was in a weird mood and everyone knew it. Probably because everyone was drinking and reminiscing and having a great time.
Except me. My past mistakes are too close for comfort here.
I'm awful at letting things go. Silly worthless memories creep up on me, normally late at night when I'm trying to sleep, or sometimes when I'm in my car driving to work in the morning - I don't know why then.
Being out of state for the last four years has helped me suppress a lot of memories of my stupid actions as a teen, but being back at home makes them pop up randomly and frequently. Before I met up with my friends these last two times, I spent a good portion of the day re-living college in my head. Then, when I met up with them, we all sat around and talked about college and high school and laughed and laughed, and its great. Until they started bringing up bad nights, and I would get upset and distant. But its not their fault, because they don't know they were bad nights, because I was weak and stupid and never asked for help back then. And now I'm stupid for being upset with them for being so insensitive over stuff they don't even know about, and then I'm upset with myself for being upset with them...
So, its less stressful to just not get together with the friends I love. Dammit. I can't wait to get out of this place and have Hug home, so I can live only in the glorious present with him and forget about the past.
18 April 2009
My Last Doctor's Appointment
They tested my thyroid hormone levels, and they are normal with the Synthroid, which is good and bad. Good for the obvious reasons, and bad because I am still not feeling 100% and haven't had a period since January.
They did a pregnancy test - negative - big fucking shock there, and drew blood to test my hormone levels one more time. Thyroid hormone is normal. Androgen is high. Third test and its still high. Weird because I don't exhibit the normal female-with-high-testosterone signs such as excessive hair growth on my face and chest - ew. But the symptoms I do have are pointing at Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS), so the doctor is referring me to an endocrinologist. The problem is that I won't be able to get in to see an Endocrinologist for about two months, and I'm moving in less than that. Oh, and my doctor's referral doesn't transfer across tri-care regions, so I'll have to go to my PCP for a referral. Sounds to me like its going to be four months until we figure anything out. Cool.
In the meantime, the doctor gave me some yadayada-progesterone to make me have a period. let me tell you how fun periods are when you don't get them every month. Umm, not at all. Now, she wants me to knowingly torture myself by making it happen? What an awful thought to know what I'm about to inflict on myself.
I read some things about PCOS and found that many of the symptoms can be relieved with a good diet and by losing a few pounds. Okay, I can deal with that. I am now that obsessive compulsive person who reads every label before buying or eating anything and looks up nutritional values before going to a restaurant. I'm hoping that if I'm obsessive compulsive for the next two months, my energy levels will spike and I'll feel less like the thought of going to the gym is pure torture. And, hopefully, once I get more activity in my life, and my new eating habits become habits, I can eat more like a normal person and feel less like an obsessive compulsive.
I'm not going to go into my feelings about PCOS right now, since we don't have an actual diagnosis yet. Normally, this is something I'd lose sleep over, but work has been so crazy lately, I'm losing sleep over that instead. So, I'll just be patient and calm and wait, because this situation is not that bad. I can deal with this. Things could be much worse.
They did a pregnancy test - negative - big fucking shock there, and drew blood to test my hormone levels one more time. Thyroid hormone is normal. Androgen is high. Third test and its still high. Weird because I don't exhibit the normal female-with-high-testosterone signs such as excessive hair growth on my face and chest - ew. But the symptoms I do have are pointing at Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS), so the doctor is referring me to an endocrinologist. The problem is that I won't be able to get in to see an Endocrinologist for about two months, and I'm moving in less than that. Oh, and my doctor's referral doesn't transfer across tri-care regions, so I'll have to go to my PCP for a referral. Sounds to me like its going to be four months until we figure anything out. Cool.
In the meantime, the doctor gave me some yadayada-progesterone to make me have a period. let me tell you how fun periods are when you don't get them every month. Umm, not at all. Now, she wants me to knowingly torture myself by making it happen? What an awful thought to know what I'm about to inflict on myself.
I read some things about PCOS and found that many of the symptoms can be relieved with a good diet and by losing a few pounds. Okay, I can deal with that. I am now that obsessive compulsive person who reads every label before buying or eating anything and looks up nutritional values before going to a restaurant. I'm hoping that if I'm obsessive compulsive for the next two months, my energy levels will spike and I'll feel less like the thought of going to the gym is pure torture. And, hopefully, once I get more activity in my life, and my new eating habits become habits, I can eat more like a normal person and feel less like an obsessive compulsive.
I'm not going to go into my feelings about PCOS right now, since we don't have an actual diagnosis yet. Normally, this is something I'd lose sleep over, but work has been so crazy lately, I'm losing sleep over that instead. So, I'll just be patient and calm and wait, because this situation is not that bad. I can deal with this. Things could be much worse.
07 April 2009
“Spicing Up” Your Long-Distance Relationship
I found the key. Have multiple conversations going in different modes of communication (ex: text message, e-mail, instant message) with different subjects discussions.
Hug and I have done this two days in a row. We talk about housing, orders, the army over instant message and about how much we can’t wait to see each other and what we will do when we see each other next over e-mail. Its fun. The IMing guy is my responsible, mature husband, while the e-mail guy is my flirtation on the side.
Sometimes I throw in text messaging just for a little added excitement.
Hug and I have done this two days in a row. We talk about housing, orders, the army over instant message and about how much we can’t wait to see each other and what we will do when we see each other next over e-mail. Its fun. The IMing guy is my responsible, mature husband, while the e-mail guy is my flirtation on the side.
Sometimes I throw in text messaging just for a little added excitement.
04 April 2009
A Look Inside Myself
Living with my parents is sometimes more of a stress-inducer than a stress reliever. Its not their fault. Its because I'm stubborn, anal, and don't like being told what to do or how to do it, while my mom is a control freak who believes she always knows best. See how we might clash? Other people probably look at us and think my mom is the sweetest woman alive and I'm an ungrateful brat, which is probably partially true, too.
What's funny is I'll probably have a daughter of my own having these same thoughts 20some years from now.
I don't like myself these days. I've always liked myself best when I was with Hug. Clearly. Why else would I marry him? Well...I could name a few other reasons... No, seriously. Being at home brings back memories from high school and college. I hated high school and college. I shouldn't have. I had great friends, got decent grades, had (and still have) a very loving and supporting family, a great job, and I had a lot of fun. But I hated myself. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Because of that, I destroyed chances of having good relationships with decent people, and accepted "relationships" with various levels of scumbags.
I was absolutely at rock bottom when I met Hug. And if I wasn't, I hit it shortly after we met, but before we started officially dating. He was so stable, supporting, loving, understanding, and safe. I needed him, and I still do. I feel good when I'm with him. I feel good about myself when I'm with him. If I were 300lbs, I bet I could still be happy as long as Hug loved me. mmm...maybe not, but you get my drift.
I'm so freaking excited for Hug to come home. I'm actually counting down, despite the fact that I'm extremely against countdowns, especially when they have anything to do with the Army, and that scares the HELL out of me. My general rule is that whenever I plan for something, the opposite happens. I really think that if I sit and picture the worst, it can't happen, because I prepared for it. So it stands to reason that goods things I plan for won't happen either.
So I'm stuck. I'm so distracted and lost in my thoughts about everything we're going to do when Hug gets home, but I'm scared of making plans, so I don't know what to think about, and I'M GOING CRAZY! These next couple months cannot go by fast enough for me.
What's funny is I'll probably have a daughter of my own having these same thoughts 20some years from now.
I don't like myself these days. I've always liked myself best when I was with Hug. Clearly. Why else would I marry him? Well...I could name a few other reasons... No, seriously. Being at home brings back memories from high school and college. I hated high school and college. I shouldn't have. I had great friends, got decent grades, had (and still have) a very loving and supporting family, a great job, and I had a lot of fun. But I hated myself. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Because of that, I destroyed chances of having good relationships with decent people, and accepted "relationships" with various levels of scumbags.
I was absolutely at rock bottom when I met Hug. And if I wasn't, I hit it shortly after we met, but before we started officially dating. He was so stable, supporting, loving, understanding, and safe. I needed him, and I still do. I feel good when I'm with him. I feel good about myself when I'm with him. If I were 300lbs, I bet I could still be happy as long as Hug loved me. mmm...maybe not, but you get my drift.
I'm so freaking excited for Hug to come home. I'm actually counting down, despite the fact that I'm extremely against countdowns, especially when they have anything to do with the Army, and that scares the HELL out of me. My general rule is that whenever I plan for something, the opposite happens. I really think that if I sit and picture the worst, it can't happen, because I prepared for it. So it stands to reason that goods things I plan for won't happen either.
So I'm stuck. I'm so distracted and lost in my thoughts about everything we're going to do when Hug gets home, but I'm scared of making plans, so I don't know what to think about, and I'M GOING CRAZY! These next couple months cannot go by fast enough for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
